


Important Report

by Kagetsukai



Series: Damn it, Jim. I'm not a doctor! [2]
Category: Dragon Age, Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Confused Fereldan, Crack, F/M, Gen, Humor, Minor canon divergence, Why Is Jim This Dumb?, mild violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-08-04
Packaged: 2018-12-10 20:42:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11699544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kagetsukai/pseuds/Kagetsukai
Summary: Cullen cannot believe he's gotten this lucky: the woman he's in love with is standing before him, confessing her feelings for him. What could go wrong? Apparently, everything.





	Important Report

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Katieee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katieee/gifts).



Cullen stood on the ramparts, transfixed by the woman in front of him. Evelyn looked up at him with eyes filled with fondness and want, and he could not believe this was actually happening.

"You're the Inquisitor. We're at war. And you... I didn't think it was possible," he managed to say.

She smiled and her mouth curled into a coy, inviting smirk. "And yet I'm still here." 

Her gaze dropped to his mouth and she bit her lower lip. 

"So you are…” he whispered, moving ever closer. He needed to kiss her more than he needed to breathe. “It seems too much to ask. But I want to..."

His hands found her hips and gripped a little, just enough to press her body closer to him. Her breath puffed against his mouth and he could taste her before even touching--

A loud thud of a door bouncing against the stone echoed around them. 

“Commander!”

Cullen quickly stepped away from Evelyn and she blushed, clearly embarrassed at being caught like this. Anger like he’s never felt before rose within him and he whipped around to the offending person; there had better been an emergency, like approaching Corypheus forces or a Blighted dragon.

“What?” he growled. It was that inept scout Jim and Cullen forced himself not to roll his eyes.

Jim wavered briefly, seemingly just now aware of Evelyn’s presence, but did not move an inch to leave. Unfortunately.

“Commander, an urgent report for you.” He straightened himself and placed the hand over his chest in a salute. “We may have an occurrence of an abomination within Skyhold, sir! It may have tried to infect me.”

The word ‘abomination’ rushed ice through Cullen's veins and his hand reached for the sword. He felt more than saw Evelyn move to his side, her magic already buzzing underneath her skin.

“An abomination? Here?” she asked. Her soft smile was long gone, replaced by a business-like frown. “Do you have more information?”

Jim nodded, clearly still shaken.

“Yes, sir. I just came from the healer and she told me it was this vile creature called Gonorrhea!”

Cullen blinked. 

Then blinked again. 

He counted to three and blinked once more.

“What?...”

His voice came out low and dangerous, his brain taking its time to process what he was hearing.

“The abomination, sir. It’s awful. It burns you from within!”

Before he could stop himself, Cullen swung his left hand and landed a punishing hook right into Jim’s jaw. The scout collapsed without another sound.

Next to him, Evelyn stepped back and grabbed for the crenelations to support herself. Her whole body shook in silent laughter and her eyes quickly filled with tears of mirth. Cullen couldn’t figure out if he was more angry, amused, or horrified at what had just transpired. In his entire military career, he never had to deal with a situation like this.

“Oh Maker, I feel bad for laughing,” Evelyn finally choked out and reached for his forearm to move closer. “You probably should not have punched him out, though.”

Cullen looked down at the unconscious body at his feet and toed Jim in the knee.

“Somehow, I have a hard time finding remorse,” he ground out. His teeth continued to press against each other in an attempt to keep his temper in check. 

“You do know what that means, though,” she asked him. 

He looked down into her beautiful smiling eyes - Maker, how much he was in love with this woman. He shook his head, questioning.

“You will need to order sexual education of your troops, Commander.”

The implication hit Cullen like a bag of bricks. He looked down at Jim again and strongly considered throwing the defenseless man off the battlements.

**Author's Note:**

> Ya'll are evil and I hate you all :P You keep poking my asshole muses and now I have not one but TWO cracked out blurbs and I feel like I'm going to burn in hell. At least my hand-basket will be comfy :P


End file.
